Switters’ Blog

The Banned Walgreen’s Thread

Posted by jimh on November 22, 2006

When Switters posted some of the deleted threads, the most recent posts were missing, I guess because Google hadn’t cached them before they were banished. Beginning with my first post on the thread, I have it all saved on my computer, so, in the interest of the historical record, I am posting it here:

 

Posted by Jim H.

Hello. My name is James Hawkins. I’m the C.E.O. of the Walgreen’s Corporation and I’ve been alerted by my underlings to the comments that you people have made on this forum. I really love these internets because they give me a chance to interact with the common folk. And since I have five minutes to waste between meetings, I thought I would amuse myself by responding to some of your concerns.

Someone posted that we will not be happy until we have driven the last independent out of business. This is ridiculous. We do not derive any satisfaction from driving independent drug stores out of business. Sure, when we began our quest for global chain-drug dominance we used to strip off all our clothes, stick a push pin in the map, and open up a case of champagne every time we sent some poor old geezer packing. But eventually the map became so full there was no way to squeeze in any more pins and our insatiable demand resulted in a severe shortage of champagne in the Dearborn area, causing the price per bottle to skyrocket. Like most fun things, the novelty eventually wore off and now we are no more aware of pushing an independent out of business than an elephant is aware of flattening a blade of grass.

You see, Walgreen’s is in the midst of unprecedented expansion. Our plan is to open up 1,500 stores in the next five years and Sayville should be honored to be a part of this growth. In fact, we are a little offended by the fact that you are not as thrilled as you should be. Who do you think you are? Do you realize that the combined square footage of all our stores is larger than your whole town? Now it’s true, you are only one of 1,500 planned stores and that may not seem like much to brag about. But it certainly is better than some of the other publicity that your sordid little town has gotten in the past few years. And I think you know what I mean.

Some people have insinuated that there is not a need for a Walgreen’s in your area. But our research shows that there are only five places within a two-mile radius where you can purchase sunscreen, ice scrapers, styrofoam coolers, feminine hygiene products, and Travel Yahtzee games all under one roof. Certainly a town exceptional enough for a $14 million library is exceptional enough to have six such stores.

Walgreen’s represents tremendous opportunity for Sayville. When your quaint little Thornhill’s is just a memory, and the evil Eckerd’s has been driven from the market, vast amounts of square footage of real estate will open up on your Main Street. Imagine the possibilities! True, it might be years before another retailer comes along who wants such a large space as Eckerd’s now occupies, but think of how much easier it will be to park when you’re going to any of those other stores (if they’re still there that is).

Finally, someone said that it is difficult to find specialty prophylactics in our stores. NOT TRUE! We just don’t keep them out on the shelves. All you need to do is approach one of our cashiers with a box of Trojans in your hand and say you’re looking for “something special.” Please note that it is not, however, possible to arrange for custom fittings from young Walgreen’s interns, as that is an executive privilege only. On a similar note, we have done extensive market research with the women in your town and you’ll be pleased to know that, as a result of our findings, we will be stocking “extra small” sizes once our new store opens.

I hope this makes everything clear for you. I have tried to use small words so that you can understand what I’m saying. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with some important people. Take care, and I’ll see you in the aisles!

 

 

Posted By: MyLine

Posted by James Hawkins of Walgreens: “Some people have insinuated that there is not a need for a Walgreen’s in your area. But our research shows that there are only five places within a two-mile radius where you can purchase sunscreen, ice scrapers, styrofoam coolers, feminine hygiene products, and Travel Yahtzee games all under one roof.”

But I ask: Why is it necessary to have SIX such places within a two-mile radius??

 

Posted By: 719me

Thought the C.E.O of Walgreens is Jeff Rein.

 

Posted By: Harry

That was good I liked that,good imagination…

 

Posted By: The Keeper
Thank you sir, for your comments. I must strenuously object to the notion that the male…uh,…members of Sayville lack size relative to their…uh,…members. There is no way to qualify those comments.

I respectfully request that Walgreen’s stock their prophylactics in such a manner that would allow consumers to read the expiration date and any other pertinent information on the box that is necessary.

Furthermore, in the interest of conducting sales in a professional manner, it is requested that Walgreen’s staff take sensitivity and/or courtesy training to eliminate the uncomfortable practice of giggling check-out people.

Thank you.

…and could you please stock travel checkers?

 

Posted By: The Keeper

To the Walgreen’s guy: Please do NOT stock the fragrance listed on the sign in the following link:
http://www.fugly.com/pictures/1369/fragrance.html

Posted By: dbbill

Nice.

Posted By: millpond

Notice that a lot of these politicians that say they want “free” and “open” trade do not want people buying cheaper pharmaceuticals from Canada? These pharmaceuticals in Canada that they are willing to ship to here are often made in the same factories in Germany as the ones here at a fraction of the price.

 

 

Posted by Jim H.

Hello people of Sayville. I had thought that my explaining everything to you would put an end to the discussion, but I guess I was overestimating you. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.

While I try to make it a point not to humanize the inhabitants of a village before we have our way with it (a habit I picked up in ‘Nam), I would like to respond to some particular comments made since I blessed your little forum with my initial screed.

Mr. Keeper: First of all the fragrances of which you speak are some of the most popular in many communities. After hearing reports from my scouts who have partaken of the fare in some of your “finer” dining establishments, I suspect that your community will welcome them too.

I’m glad you brought up the giggling issue. This is one area in which Walgreen’s excels. Before entering the field, I was traumatized by a pimple faced cashier who seemed to take unseemly delight in calling for price checks on every item in my basket. You can imagine how my face reddened as the words “KY Jelly,” “Preparation-H”, “L’eggs, jumbo size” (they were for my mom!), and “Rough Rider Wild Flavors” echoed over the PA system. On that day I vowed I would do something about it and I have.

While some drug chains have their employees undergo “sensitivity training,” every Walgreen’s employee must endure 40 solid hours of de-sensitization to remove all traces of emotion and feeling. Before they are allowed to interact with our customers, we strangle a kitten right before their eyes. Only when they can watch without flinching are they permitted on the sales floor. Employees who are still prone to giggle are given special sessions in my chamber.

719me wrote; “Thought the C.E.O of Walgreens is Jeff Rein.”

Well, is your name really 719me? As the kids are fond of saying…”duh!”

MyLine wrote: “Why is it necessary to have SIX such places within a two-mile radius??

Because 6 is more than 5. Again, as the kids say “duh!” If you don’t like it, we’ll open two stores in your town!

Thanks for reading. I’ve got to go have someone order 50,000 cases of travel checkers and then fire him for doing something so s*****. God, I love my job!


 

 

Posted By: The Keeper

Well, I ate at the Dog ‘N Duck, but I don’t want to be near someone who smells like one.

So that’s awesome guy, you saw the elephant in the ‘Nam, did you know Lt. Calley?

I heard those toothless mama sahn’s were sure good at taking a grunt’s mind off of things for a few minutes up country.

Is Walgreen’s gonna have a drive-thru? You think those employees wil get annoyed if I ask them if I can get an apple pie with my order?

Thanks for the info .


Posted by Jim H.

I must say… this is quite fun! Not as much fun as a Tea-Dance with newly hired pharmacist trainees perhaps, but still delightful!

Mr. Keeper, I notice that many of your peers on this forum seem to find you amusing and I must concur. They say that ignorance is bliss. Well your ignorance provides me with a great deal of bliss! (I keep forgetting who I’m dealing with: ignorance means “a lack of knowledge” and “bliss” means “happiness”)

You said: “Well, I ate at the Dog ‘N Duck, but I don’t want to be near someone who smells like one.”

Silly man – the aforementioned fragrances are FOR that part of your anatomy – they don’t smell like it! It is the Eckerd’s chain which thinks that “Eau de toilet” literally means “smells like a toilet,” not us.

“did you know Lt. Calley?”

Good man, that Calley. But he violated the first law of marketing: “dead women don’t buy diapers.”

“I heard those toothless mama sahn’s were sure good at taking a grunt’s mind off of things for a few minutes up country.”

I can assure you that my only interest in those toothless mama sahns was to provide an effective channel of distribution so as to facilitate their purchase of Efferdent. Occasionally my fellow grunts and I would share a tea-bag with a particularly hospitable village woman, but it was done only to engender a sense of community – something I plan on doing in Sayville as well.

“Is Walgreen’s gonna have a drive-thru? You think those employees wil get annoyed if I ask them if I can get an apple pie with my order?”

Of course they won’t get annoyed. They have no emotions, remember?



 

Posted By: The Keeper

Oh yes, this is fun! Post dissection, one of my favorites. Lol- you answers to my questions provided me with several moments of unbridled gaiety…uh…., I mean….uh..amusement, yeah, amusement. I love my ignorance and wear it with pride.

I’m sure a corporate executive such as yourself, one who has tea-bagged in the service of his country, can appreciate that it is most unlikely that anyone else on here has experienced the art of the tea-bag.

I look forward to meeting you at the ribbon cutting ceremony.


Posted by Jim H.

The Keeper wrote: I look forward to meeting you at the ribbon cutting ceremony.

 

Indeed, Keeper. I could perhaps use a man of your talents to come work for us. All of our stores are equipped with underground rooms where we “keep” those whom we catch in the act of attempting to leave the premises without making appropriate payment. To give you an idea of how it operates, we were very close to suing Mr. Quentin Tarantino over the “pawn shop basement” scene in Pulp Fiction. It seems that their depiction of the methods of incarceration were so close to our own (right down to the color of the ball gag) that we were convinced that some sort of corporate espionage had occurred. Ultimately, our lawyers persuaded us that such a suit would force us to reveal sensitive information so we did not pursue it.

 

Posted By: The Keeper

Oh man, I would LOVE to work in a store as a security guy (plainclothes, of course). Remember ‘Reservoir Dogs’? When they had the guy in the chair? Much like the pawn shop scene, THAT is the way things need to be done.

…and I can guarantee you bro, the first punk who thinks he’s gonna write some wanna-be gangsta stuff on your wall like they do over by Eckerd, whew- I feel for him. Nothing incites me more than some south Sayville white wannabe gangsta defiling our buildings.

Count me in.

Posted by Jim H.

It seems that some of my posts on this forum have been deleted as they have offended the sensibilities of some readers. For this I must apologize. At least that’s what my attorney tells me. You see, when I visited your little hamlet I didn’t realize that it was composed of so many Puritans – I just naturally assumed that you were preparing for a Thanksgiving pageant.

It appears that I have run afoul of your standards in two ways. The first is with some of the, shall we say, adult-oriented banter I engaged in with my new head of security, The Keeper (whose posts have also vanished into the inter-netherworld.) Henceforth, I will try to adhere to your community’s standards. If I understand it correctly, extended conversations about bathrooms are OK, but what happens in the bedroom is off limits.

The other problem is that some people seem to take offense to my claiming to be the CEO of the Walgreen’s corporation. They bring up such trivial details as the fact that the CEO of Walgreen’s is named Jeffery Rein, not James Hawkins. Some have even made note of the fact that James (Jim) Hawkins is actually the main character of the book Treasure Island (to make this relevant for most of you, think of the movie “Muppet Treasure Island.” The book is similar, but with no pigs or frogs.) To paraphrase what I wrote to 719me in a now-deleted post: none of you are using your real names, so why should I? Finally, truly sophisticated readers (ooops, I forgot, this is Sayville) may have noticed that the picture bares an uncanny resemblance to Niklas Zennstrom, the CEO of Skype.

But let me take the OJ Simpson approach. I’m not saying I’m just some guy pretending to be the CEO of Walgreen’s, I’m just saying that if I was a guy pretending to be the CEO of Walgreen’s here’s what I’d say:

As the CEO of a large, publicly traded corporation, Mr. Rein is fair game for parody. A person who wanted to make a political statement about Walgreen’s in a humorous way could freely impersonate Mr. Rein just as Will Ferrell impersonates George W. Bush. Of course it has to be clear that it is parody – you can’t go around pretending to actually be another person. I feel pretty confident that lines such as “Like most fun things, the novelty eventually wore off and now we are no more aware of pushing an independent out of business than an elephant is aware of flattening a blade of grass” made it abundantly clear that this was political satire. I mean, it would be satire if I was just pretending, but I’m not saying I am.

One can speculate about why I would choose to make up a name when I could use the real name with impunity. Is it because I don’t know Mr. Rein and I would prefer to mock a corporation rather than a real person who may very well be a decent guy? Is it because there is greater comedic value in using a made up name? Is it because I harbor some slight fear of a lawsuit, despite what I said in the last paragraph? The answer is none of the above – because I really am the CEO. Haven’t you been paying attention?

Finally one might wonder why I chose a picture of Niklas Zennstrom to be my avatar. Is it because I found that picture in a Google search for nerdy looking guys and only later did I find out who it was? No. It really is me. Niklas Zennstrom no longer exists. After being purchased by e-bay, his identity was put up for auction, and I was the winning bidder (my winning bid was just $6.50, but they raked me over the coals with shipping).

Perhaps this will be my final post. Perhaps not. Just as our store’s presence will shape your traffic patterns, your retail real estate pricing, your shopping habits, and the look of your community, it only seems fitting that I take a bigger role in shaping opinions too.

Before I go, I’ll leave you with some final thoughts. I’ll have my lawyer look it over and edit it to make sure it is not offensive:

T**** i* **** s*** ***** n******e. It d****** r**** *** a******g. You *** ** c***z t*****g to f***** it ***. I h*** you **** ****** t***** to m*** s*** of **.

 

 

 


 

Posted by The Keeper

NO! You gotta stay on- your stuff is good. Don’t let the censures bother you- it’s been that way since I came on here. I really don’t know what the issues are- I for one can appreciate original satire and mockery.


Posted by Schlomo

I think the post about “balloon knot” hygiene was also deleted.

As for the zoning issue, it was probably tabled to give wallgreens time to send everyone on the ZBA dinner gift certificates.

Posted By: JimH.
Mr. Schlomo,

I take great umbrage at the unseemly insinuation you made in your post. I will have you know that ours is a proud and dignified company. The Walgreen’s corporation has never and would never offer a bribe to any town official, elected or otherwise, in any form other than cash.

Gift certificates! My word!

 

 

Posted by Keeper:

Is that what got deleted? The Tea bag double entendre? Wow- that’s tight.

Ok, I have no idea about zoning issues.

 

 



 

Posted by Jim H.

Oh dear.

 

It seems that despite my best efforts to follow the stringent mores of your virtuous community, I have committed a grievous faux pas. At the end of my post below I had originally written “Before I go, I’ll leave you with some final thoughts. I’ll have my lawyer look it over and edit it to make sure it is not offensive:” followed by a string of words in which some (or all) of the letters were replaced by asterisks.

 

Apparently the sight of so many of these typographical glyphs co-mingling together with reckless abandon was enough to cause great consternation among your village elders – and so that portion of the post was edited out.

 

But alas, good people, I was only attempting to partake in the jocularity of the forum and thereby ingratiate myself into your hearts. At the risk of further incurring the wrath of the censors, I would like to reprint the offensive text, but this time including the “translation” as it were. Particularly sensitive readers may wish to avert their eyes.

 

T**** i* **** s*** ***** n******e. It d****** r**** *** a******g. You *** ** c***z t*****g to f***** it ***. I h*** you **** **** ** t***** to m*** s*** of **.

 

This is just some silly nonsense. It doesn’t really say anything. You can go crazy trying to figure it out. I hope you don’t lose it trying to make sense of it.

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